LeVar Burton fan club

I know you've been dying to know. And I've never really tried collecting my thoughts all in one place on this topic: Whom do I root for? And why?

I won't pretend any of this is a well-reasoned evaluation of the complex dynamics of the whatever of the leagues in question and/or Mel Kiper's hair. Irrational? Illogical? Shallow? Arbitrary? Non-sensical? It's all here! Without ado:

MLB

Top 5
1. New York Mets -- no explanation needed, I hope.
2. Houston Astros -- Class of '62, hard-luck case that deserves better than they've gotten (one of the most successful teams of the expansion era, especially given their recent deluge of postseason appearances). Plus, uh, it's sort of Texas homerism, I guess. Additionally, the principle of supporting your friends (Sam) by rooting for their teams.
3. Oakland Athletics -- I am a Moneyballer in spirit and in fact. If Joe Morgan is 6, then Billy Beane is 7! then Beane is 7! then Beane is 7! 'Nuff said.
4. Boston Red Sox -- Gotta root for the team most likely to stick it to the Yankees (and OMG Theo Epstein heartthrob). Plus, Thom lives there. (Not technically, though.)
5. Anaheim Angels -- sort of a conflict between this and #3 (as with #2 and #1). But I was a rally-monkeyer for most of 2002 when the Twinky bandwagon was full, and it paid off.

Bottom 6
25. Cincinnati Reds -- Mostly to piss Burge off. The Rangers of the NL, though, and that's nigh unforgiveable.
26. St. Louis Cardinals -- Old-time Met rivals. These two teams battled for supremacy of the NL East in the late 80s. Plus, they're really good now ... which makes them easy to hate.
27. Florida Marlins -- Since 1993, the Marlins have 2 winning seasons, 2 playoff appearances, and 2 WS championships. Ugh. And we beat up on them pretty regularly, too.
28. Texas Rangers -- The epitome of mediocrity & suckitude. Without Orel there anymore, I have no reason to even consider liking them. I do love their stable of young hitters, but no, mass media, Kevin Mench will never be a "50-HR guy". Jeebus. I can't quite imagine what drives people to become Rangers fans when they have a far finer franchise just down I-45. Do something useful for your team, and have lots and lots of kids and encourage them to grow up to be starting pitchers. So many bad excuses, bad deals. So many annoying homers 'round these parts. Ugh. I can't stand this franchise.
29. Atlanta Braves -- Laaaaaaaaaaaaaary.
30. New York Yankees.

I don't really have strong feelings about any other teams. But here's a snapshot of who I support, by division:

AL East: Bosox, Bosox, Bosox. Jays are cool too. Orioles get dropped a spot for, in order of importance, a) Earl Weaver; b) Benson/Julio trade; c) Rafael Palmeiro; d) Mike Mussina.
1-5: Bosox, Jays, D-Rays, O-rings, Skanks.

AL Central: Minnesota Twins. In addition to the feel-gooderies of Jack Morris, Kent Hrbek and Kirby, I'll always owe some allegiance to the immortal Aaron Gleeman. I do love the young Indians team as well (and what schlock-movie fan doesn't subconsciously root for Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes & the boys?). I used to root for the Pale Hose out of pity, but they're now well-bandwagoned. EARTH TO ESPN: THEY WEREN'T THAT GOOD LAST YEAR. OZZIE GUILLEN'S PERSONALITY WILL NOT WIN THE WORLD SERIES IN 2006-2050.
1-5: Twins, Indians, Royals (Rob Neyer), Chisox, Tigers

AL West: I have a soft spot for Seattle given the unfortunate timing of their success in the late 1990s. 116 freakin' wins.
1-4: A's, Angels, Mariners, Rangers

NL East: Pity (1 championship in 130+ years), not to mention (at right) Mike Schmidt (we Mets fans know all about Hall-of-Fame third basemen, am I rite?), gets the Phils the #2 nod, even over the plucky 'Spos. And if things keep going the way they are, the Marlins may sink below the Braves soon (though the Metskies have always done fine personally against the Fish).
1-5: Mets, Phillies, Expos, Marlins, Braves

NL Central: No, they're not "the best fans in baseball"; St. Louis is just lame, that's all.
1-6: Astros, Cubs, Pirates, Brewers, Reds, Cardinals

NL West: I feel bad for my dad for feeling obligated to the Giants from their days in NY. Cuz I can't stand that fucking franchise now. I'll always love the Trolley-Ds for 1988. And the D'Backs get props for one of the greatest baseball moments of my lifetime. God bless you, Luis Gonzalez. 1-5: Dodgers, Diamondbacks, Padres, Rox, Giants


NFL

Roots:
1. N.Y. Giants -- Phil Simms, 1986:



2. Philly Eagles -- Randall Cunningham, McNabb, Andy Reid. Am I the only white man who actually LIKED Fred-X and T.O.?
3. Seattle Seahawks -- "We want the ball, and we're gonna score!" Hehe. I don't know why I'm attracted to this team from the northwest, but I am. Probably because of their smoove offense.
4. Cincinnati Bengals -- It's hard to root for Carson Palmer, but the icky USC-ness is mostly negated by Who-dey and the LOL of Chad Johnson. I like Marvin Lewis, though, and I'd love to see Boomer's team finally accomplish something.
5. Indianapolis Colts -- Just to prove the Peyton Manning naysayers wrong.
6. Chicago Bears -- My dad's team; the '85 squad is arguably the best in history. A team with a phenomenal D.
7. New York Jets -- Apparently Mets fans love the Jets.
8. Arizona Cardinals -- Good thing going with Bolden and McCown/Warner. A totally pathetic franchise; I'd love to see them do, you know, something.
9. Buffalo Bills -- I still owe lots of people money from betting on these guys in the Super Bowl in middle school. These guys never got any respect -- elect Thurman Thomas to the HOF. Now.
10. 49ers -- Joe Montana. Plus, the nemesis of the Cowboys.

Hates:
29. Oakland Raiders -- Get over yourselves. Your only claim to fame is the tough-actin' Ace Hardware guy. (FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!)
30. Carolina Panthers -- Arguably the most overrated team of recent memory. I can't even attribute 2005 to the SI jinx -- Jake Delhomme is mediocre, and so is your secondary. This franchise is the go-to obligatory "dark-horse" for the Salisbury contingent. Fuck 'em.
31. New England Patriots -- You won 2 Super Bowls on last-second field goals (and, y'know, the Tuck Rule, you assholes). I think BB's a helluva coach. But if Jake Delhomme is the Sammy Hagar of overrated, Tom Brady's the DLR.
32. Dallas Cowboys -- Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


NBA

1. Dallas Mavericks -- Oh Mark Cuban (left), I've totally turned a corner on your now-lovable antics. (The Frankenstein haircut helps a lot.) Dirk Nowitzki is probably the most underrated superstar ever in the history of ever. I want a championship before he retires. (But making it the Big 1 doesn't help your case here...)
2. New Jersey Nets -- Sure, it's the Eastern Conf, but these guys made consecutive Finals apps a few years ago. J-Kidd is awesome, and the supporting cast is hugely entertaining. They have a guy named Kerry Kittles, for Chrissakes! (Oh, and homer homer homer bbbyyy.)

I don't really care about the NBA, so we'll just note that I hate the Lakers and love Allen Iverson and leave it at that.


NHL

1. New Jersey Devils -- Umm, Marty Brodeur, the greatest goalie ever? Naw, I really like these guys for actual non-Garden State (the state, not the movie) reasons. Patrik Elias, Langenbrunner, Brian "The Stud" Gionta -- and Scott Stevens for the hall of fame, eh?
2. Everybody else.

Last. Detroit Red Wings.

EPL

Roots:
1. Manchester City -- Okay, I don't really "know" anything about "football," but this seems like the Mets-y team (and they wear blue & stuff). They're also the only European winners to ever get relegated down (and recently!) to the 3rd tier. And that's a good parallel to the Mets' recent history.
2. Arsenal -- Nick Hornby? Judging by the recent SAS smacktalk, they're apparently Man U's nemesis as well.
3. Tottenham Hotspur -- That's a cool-sounding name. The English team that originally bit on Bobby Convey, too.
4. Newcastle -- ....Ale.
5. West Bromwich Albion -- Stayed up last year by some weird clusterfuck of rules that involved Crystal Palace sucking (and they certainly do suck). What's not to like here?

Hates:
Manchester United -- Fuckheads.
Crystal Palace -- Despite a possible FF2 link, I really don't get the appeal.


The Football League

1. Reading -- Got royally (get it?) screwed when the PL contracted a few years back. They're gonna be promoted for the first time in history next year. Get on the bandwagon now! Also: Two of their main guys (Convey, below right, & Hahnemann, below left -- see WaPo article here) are on the US men's team. Plus, uh, I used to live in Reading-ton.


Hates:
Sheffield United -- Denizens of the 2nd tier; I get the feeling they're wankers. Plus, Shef Wed seem like a plucky sort.


International cricket

Roots:
1. England -- Well, I speak English, so it was a natural fit. I might've searched out a new team if they'd faltered (again) in the '05 Ashes, but hot damn, hot damn. This is a team on the rise with lots of talent. Guys like fatty Matthew Hoggard and the tenacious Tresco make supporting them easy.
2. New Zealand -- OMG Shane Bond ::jizz::
3. Windies -- Oh, Brian Lara, too soon; still a stand-up team.

Hates:
Australia -- How can a whole country of people consider Gillespie a world-class player? This team's been carried far too long by like 5 guys. And Ricky Ponting is a total douche.